Query Critique #2: HOPE

Dear (insert agent name here), 

When Thayer Voltair, the son of the President of Utopia, is set up by his own father to be kidnapped by rebel forces, he must choose whether to fight for the beliefs he has been raised on or to fight for the new world he has been captured into. [JD1] HOPE is a complete 95,000 word YA thriller[JD2] , with series potential.

From the day that Thayer Voltair was born, he was warned of the wretched Rebel Lands; a nefarious place where all followers of the Rebellion were banished to[JD3] . But, when Thayer, the son of the work-obsessed Utopian president, is kidnapped into the enemy territory, Thayer’s eyes are opened to the world that he has been hidden from all along. Contrary to earlier belief, The Rebel Lands are not the desiccated wasteland that was depicted to him. In fact, they are thriving to the best of their ability, despite Thayer’s father launching annual bombings on them to assure that they can’t usurp Utopia’s power.[JD4] 

While Thayer processes this overwhelming news, his father conveniently decides to announce war on the Rebel Lands, doing so with full understanding [JD5] that Thayer can’t get back home without his help. If that’s not enough to drive Thayer into insanity, the overwhelming decision between his Utopian childhood love, Elle, and a wildcard Rebel named Maive, is sure to drive him straight to the asylum.

With no assistance or guidance from his homeland and new knowledge of how heartless Thayer’s father truly is, Thayer must figure out how to get back home or if he even wants to return home for that matter. With all the pain created by Utopia, Thayer feels somewhat responsible for fixing his father’s corrupt actions. However, acting on his feelings is the difference between morals and being a Utopian. 

Everything hangs in the balance as each of Thayer’s decisions effect not only him, but both nations at war. In choosing to fight the Utopians, Thayer has to learn the skills of a seasoned warrior in only a matter of weeks to take down one of the most powerful nations in the history of the world.

[JD6] My name is Timothy Lyzen and I currently live in a small suburb of Cleveland, Ohio. I’m a student, an actor, an amateur chef, a swimsuit model, and an avid writer. One of those is false, but I’ll let you decide which one that is.[JD7] 

Sincerely,

Timothy J. Lyzen

 

 

Final Notes:
I like this query. There’s a touch of humor when you mention the two girls Thayer’s interested in and the rebel lands are intriguing. But it would be better if you could shorten it. And while this plotline isn’t incredibly common, if there’s something that’s really different about it and will set it apart from other stories like it, make sure to bring that up.
 

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 [JD1]Good opening, though the sentence itself is a bit long

 [JD2]It doesn’t sound like this is just a thriller. Is it also dystopian? Utopian? Anti-utopian? Fantasy? Clarify that.

 [JD3]You don’t need the “to” here.

 [JD4]I feel like you could cut this out too. Leaving it by saying he’s been hidden from this world all along raises questions. What kind of world is it? Why did Thayer’s father hate it so much?

 [JD5]“even though he knows” would sound better here. Has a better flow.

 [JD6]Your query is already a bit long at this point. You should find a way to combine these two paragraphs in a way that best highlights the main problem in the plot.

 [JD7]This little bit of background is great, but if you have anything writing or publishing related (awards, contest wins), those are important to include. You also want to explain a bit on why you’re querying that specific agent. Obviously you can’t in this example, but in general.

Query Critique #1: BRINK OF LIFE

Just a reminder that we are now doing free query critiques to post on this blog! You may send your query, pasted in the body of the email, to brent.teeneyes@gmail.com.

Dear [Agent's Name],

Life was so much easier when the plants didn’t talk. This is actually an interesting first line.

On an August afternoon that started off perfectly normal, Wynne’s best
friend lands in the hospital from a blow to the head. What's worse,
everyone thinks Wynne did it. Isolated from his friendseveryone, Wynne
desperately craves change.

Della Finnaway, a fourteen-year-old from the same neighborhood, spends
her days putting up with bullying from her own “friends”— so she’s not
faring much better.

Until they collide.

Wynne and Della are summoned to a former crime scene by two peculiar
girls known as the Opal Sisters. Although the girls have the
respective personalities of an FBI interrogator and a cheerleader,
they seem pretty cool. So when they offer adventure away from summer
in the suburbs in exchange for help locating their family, it doesn’t
take long for Della and Wynne to take the bait.

Then things get weird. Although the Opals look almost normal, it turns
out their genetics are a potluck of a missing scientist’s DNA and a
Canadian plant. The few memories they have revolve around the
sociopathic Dr. Needlethrone and take place in the worst city ever
(Radish Town isn’t exactly keen on cleanliness…or rules… or human
interaction of any kind). I don't think these details are quite necessary.

As details unfold, Della and Wynne find it impossible to turn around.
At first, they’re just hesitant to make the “pick me up, I rode to a
dangerous city with strangers” phone call— but before long, Wynne’s
loyalty and Della’s curiosity give them invaluable roles in the Opals’
search— especially when the search could mean reuniting two broken
families. Be careful not to reveal too much information about your story. For your purposes, the sentence "As details unfold, Wynne's loyalty and Della's curiosity give them invaluable roles in the Opals' search" is fine.

But no one’s out to make it easy. When everyone they meet protects
Needlethrone, Della and Wynne question just how accurate the Opals’
memories are, and if they’ve been following the wrong people all
along. And when you’re in the heart of a city that harvests
adolescents for experimentation, one misstep could mean the end of the
road.

BRINK OF LIFE is a YA Science Fiction novel, complete at 91,000 words.
This is a stand-alone novel with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Here I would include a short bio of yourself, and more importantly, maybe a line or two about why you are querying this particular agent.

Sarah Fiete
[e-mail/phone number]

Some general comments:
There are many things I like about this query, including: the opening line, the introductions to Wynne and Della, and the concluding paragraph. I like the ominous feeling we get at the end about the Opal sisters.
However, I do worry that you try to fit in too much information about the story. In terms of length, this isn't the longest query I've read, but trust me when I say: the more compact the query letter, the better. Although the last three paragraphs are very interesting and well-written, I believe it would benefit you to find a way to combine them. You don't leave much room for a short bio of yourself or, as I said above, a place where you can give reasons why you're querying a particular agent.

Announcement . . .

Hello all!

It's been a busy year for Teen Eyes. Since 2012, we've added two new editors and have had the privilege of working with some supremely talented writers.

We're gearing up for the summer, our favorite season (who doesn't love reading a good manuscript on their porchswing with a cup of iced tea?) and have a few announcements.

First and foremost, you should note that Kate will be away during the summer and not taking on any clients until she returns in September. But never fear! Those months will pass quickly, and Kate will be back in action with her sharp editing pen. In the meantime, Brent, Julie, and Grace will still be around to provide editing help.

Secondly, we're going to start doing free query critiques on this blog. If you email your query (pasted in the body of the message) to brent.teeneyes@gmail.com, your query will be critiqued by one of our editors and posted on the blog. As of right now, we're planning on posting at least one query letter per week to be critiqued. If we get flooded at any point in time, however, we might freeze this offer.

You thought that was exciting, huh? Wait for it . . .

Our submission package, from now until August 1, will be on sale for $10!

As you can see, exciting things are in store for our editors and writers in the coming months. Check this blog, and our Twitter account (@TeenEyesEdits) for more news and updates.

About Teen Eyes

Teen Eyes is our editorial service for your manuscript. We bring a dual perspective that your critique partners and beta readers may not have: we are the age demographic of your future target audience, teens, as well as being experienced writers.

While there may be more experienced editors out there, our age, added to our publishing and writing experience, makes us a very valuable commodity for your manuscript. 

Teen Eyes is about more than a critique - it's about something only a teen can give: what your future reader would like to see. Although you initially have to impress editors and agents, your ultimate goal is for your story to resonate with teenagers. The ability to connect with your audience will determine whether or not your book will sell once published.

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